Amber has chosen to share her powerful story with us in hopes to inform and inspire current foster youth to see possibilities for their future, and know they are deserving of love. She is inspiring, resilient, and sheds light on what some youth experience in, and leading up to, foster care.
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Amber's Story, part I: "A pretty face can get you anything."
“Your sister might die,” Amber overheard her Mother, Mary, tell her little sister, Ann. Amber was 7 years old lying in a bed at Loyola Children’s hospital in Chicago. She needed emergency surgery to correct Chiari malformation.
“Sir! you need to leave, sir…,” Amber heard through a cloud of anesthesia wearing off. She awoke from her surgery to her mother and father arguing, resulting in security escorting her father, Michael, out of the hospital. She won’t see him again until she is 14 years old. She was scared, confused and in so much pain, but being at the hospital provided a sense of safety that she didn’t get at home.
Since she was 2 years old, Amber lived with her mother, her sister, and her sister’s dad, Bill. Although neither Bill nor Mary offered Amber much comfort at home, Amber remembers Bill being very involved and taking videos at the hospital. “The hospital staff were all so loving. I remember the nurses telling me to slow down, but all I wanted to do is move; I was walking and talking the first day!” Amber vividly remembers the magic toilet paper in the hospital magic show, and being discharged on Valentine’s Day of 1999.
A few months later, her mother suddenly announced she was leaving Bill and taking the girls to Tennessee where Grandma C and Grandpa B lived. Soon after, Mary met a man named Derek at a bar and they got married the very next day. Amber, her sister, and mother moved into Derek’s trailer about twenty minutes from Grandma C and Grandpa B. This would be the start of two horrifying years of fear, abuse, and becoming the main caretaker of her 6-year-old sister. “There was no one else to make sure Ann was safe, no one to feed her or get her to school… there was no one.” Amber was only 8 years old at the time, an age marked and remembered by the first time she watched her Mother use cocaine.
“My dad is hurting my mom, my dad is throwing things at my mom, and I want my dad out of the house,” Mary coached. This was the only allowable, rehearsed response Amber was to give the police when they were called by neighbors. This happened often, resulting in Amber and her sister identifying their Secret Place. While their mother and Derek got high and drunk, the night would escalate from dancing and laughter, to danger. Amber stacked boxes outside of a window at the back of the trailer. When things started to escalate, Amber would sneak her sister out of the window to go into the woods to their Secret Place, where their Grandma C would pick up Ann. Although Amber’s mom never offered her protection, she refused to go with Grandma C, feeling like she needed to go back to protect her mother and distract from the fact that Ann was gone. There was always a beating if they noticed. Sometimes the police would take Derek or just tell them to separate for the night. If they took him, Amber would get a beating for that too. Afterward, Amber would curl up in her closet and cry herself to sleep. “There was something about the closet that felt comfortable and safe.” This night seemed to play on repeat for two years.
“Sir! you need to leave, sir…,” Amber heard through a cloud of anesthesia wearing off. She awoke from her surgery to her mother and father arguing, resulting in security escorting her father, Michael, out of the hospital. She won’t see him again until she is 14 years old. She was scared, confused and in so much pain, but being at the hospital provided a sense of safety that she didn’t get at home.
Since she was 2 years old, Amber lived with her mother, her sister, and her sister’s dad, Bill. Although neither Bill nor Mary offered Amber much comfort at home, Amber remembers Bill being very involved and taking videos at the hospital. “The hospital staff were all so loving. I remember the nurses telling me to slow down, but all I wanted to do is move; I was walking and talking the first day!” Amber vividly remembers the magic toilet paper in the hospital magic show, and being discharged on Valentine’s Day of 1999.
A few months later, her mother suddenly announced she was leaving Bill and taking the girls to Tennessee where Grandma C and Grandpa B lived. Soon after, Mary met a man named Derek at a bar and they got married the very next day. Amber, her sister, and mother moved into Derek’s trailer about twenty minutes from Grandma C and Grandpa B. This would be the start of two horrifying years of fear, abuse, and becoming the main caretaker of her 6-year-old sister. “There was no one else to make sure Ann was safe, no one to feed her or get her to school… there was no one.” Amber was only 8 years old at the time, an age marked and remembered by the first time she watched her Mother use cocaine.
“My dad is hurting my mom, my dad is throwing things at my mom, and I want my dad out of the house,” Mary coached. This was the only allowable, rehearsed response Amber was to give the police when they were called by neighbors. This happened often, resulting in Amber and her sister identifying their Secret Place. While their mother and Derek got high and drunk, the night would escalate from dancing and laughter, to danger. Amber stacked boxes outside of a window at the back of the trailer. When things started to escalate, Amber would sneak her sister out of the window to go into the woods to their Secret Place, where their Grandma C would pick up Ann. Although Amber’s mom never offered her protection, she refused to go with Grandma C, feeling like she needed to go back to protect her mother and distract from the fact that Ann was gone. There was always a beating if they noticed. Sometimes the police would take Derek or just tell them to separate for the night. If they took him, Amber would get a beating for that too. Afterward, Amber would curl up in her closet and cry herself to sleep. “There was something about the closet that felt comfortable and safe.” This night seemed to play on repeat for two years.
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Amber was amazed at the way her mother could manipulate a situation and how people, especially men, always believed her. “A pretty face can get you anything,” is what Amber learned from Mary. Mary was beautiful; her make-up and outfits were always immaculate. Despite her struggles with addiction, Mary didn’t leave the house without perfectly lined red lips, big hair, and a groomed appearance that was sure to garnish attention. She dressed Amber and her sister up, highlighting their blonde hair and blue eyes, and reminding them, “if you eat you get fat, if you get fat no one loves you, when no one loves you, you die alone and miserable.” Mary’s mantra caused Amber to develop an eating disorder. Eventually, Mary had Derek arrested, but told the girls not to worry because she met another man, Peter, and they were going to move in with him.
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“Peter was kind; his biggest downfall was my Mom.” While living with Peter, life seemed more stable. During this time, Grandma C and Grandpa B moved to Maryland and told the girls they could visit them in the summers. A year later, Grandpa B died. After his death, Ann told Amber that Grandpa B had been molesting her. Amber felt undeserved, immense guilt over this. As she tried to save her sister from the abuse at home, she struggled with the thought that their Secret Place was a transition to another type of abuse. Amber brought this information to her Mother, asking for her to help her little sister who was struggling with the abuse she had endured that was exacerbated by her grandfather’s death. Her mom responded by “throwing blows” to every part of Amber’s body. While Amber lie in pain after the beating, Mary took Ann to get ice cream.
Mary began an affair with Peter’s best friend. When Peter found out and threatened to leave her, Mary lied to the police accusing Peter of domestic violence for self-inflicted injuries. Amber watched her Mother bruise herself before calling the police. They believed her, and Peter was arrested for domestic battery. Soon after, they moved in with Ryan, a Jehovah’s witness who had three boys of his own.
Ryan’s sons were bullies, at one point cornering Amber and her sister with a knife. Ryan took away all holidays including the kids’ birthdays. He forced the girls to wear dresses and adhere to his version of the law of Jehovah. They were often beaten with a switch from a tree, locked outside on the porch, or inside in a closet. Ryan’s friend, Sam, also lived with them. He acted as a babysitter because Ryan and Mary were rarely home. Amber remembers more of Sam than her mom or Ryan during this time. “Sam was creepy; he made me uneasy.” The time at Ryan’s ended when he wanted to invite in a second wife, which Mary would not agree to. She attempted to return to Peter who was in another relationship by this time, and didn’t allow the girls to stay with him.
For the first time, Mary didn’t have a man to take them in. They moved in with Mary’s mom, Grandma Gould, who also struggled with addiction to alcohol and pills. Mary blamed Amber for everything, including blaming her for Peter not accepting them back. “Who is supposed to pay the bills now? Where are we going to live? You are too much, always causing problems! I don’t want you anymore! I’m keeping your sister, but you need to go,” Mary screamed. The cold rejection and blame from her mother wasn’t a new feeling, but Amber was only 12 years old, where was she supposed to go? Amber waited for her mom and grandmother to drift into their usual substance-induced state before sneaking grandma Gould’s phone to call the only number she knew. She called Grandma C.
Mary began an affair with Peter’s best friend. When Peter found out and threatened to leave her, Mary lied to the police accusing Peter of domestic violence for self-inflicted injuries. Amber watched her Mother bruise herself before calling the police. They believed her, and Peter was arrested for domestic battery. Soon after, they moved in with Ryan, a Jehovah’s witness who had three boys of his own.
Ryan’s sons were bullies, at one point cornering Amber and her sister with a knife. Ryan took away all holidays including the kids’ birthdays. He forced the girls to wear dresses and adhere to his version of the law of Jehovah. They were often beaten with a switch from a tree, locked outside on the porch, or inside in a closet. Ryan’s friend, Sam, also lived with them. He acted as a babysitter because Ryan and Mary were rarely home. Amber remembers more of Sam than her mom or Ryan during this time. “Sam was creepy; he made me uneasy.” The time at Ryan’s ended when he wanted to invite in a second wife, which Mary would not agree to. She attempted to return to Peter who was in another relationship by this time, and didn’t allow the girls to stay with him.
For the first time, Mary didn’t have a man to take them in. They moved in with Mary’s mom, Grandma Gould, who also struggled with addiction to alcohol and pills. Mary blamed Amber for everything, including blaming her for Peter not accepting them back. “Who is supposed to pay the bills now? Where are we going to live? You are too much, always causing problems! I don’t want you anymore! I’m keeping your sister, but you need to go,” Mary screamed. The cold rejection and blame from her mother wasn’t a new feeling, but Amber was only 12 years old, where was she supposed to go? Amber waited for her mom and grandmother to drift into their usual substance-induced state before sneaking grandma Gould’s phone to call the only number she knew. She called Grandma C.
Amber's Story, part II: "It's just me now."
“It’s hard to tell time. It seemed like Grandma C arrived the same day; it all felt so fast.” Grandma C took the long drive from Maryland to Tennessee as soon as she got the call. Ann begged Amber not to leave her behind. Grandma Gould was drunk when Grandma C arrived so she didn’t have much reaction or care, but Mary was furious. “Fine! I didn’t want them anyway.” Just like that, Mary wrote a letter handing over her rights for Amber and Ann, to Grandma C.
The girls slept most of the drive back to Maryland. A few days later, a man and woman from the Department of Children and Family Services (DCFS) came to the house. Grandma C knew that she wasn’t in a position to care for both girls. She already had a double mastectomy, one eye removed, and was in need of heart surgery. Amber later realized that is why Grandma C asked Mary to write the letter. She wanted to ensure Mary wouldn’t accuse her of kidnapping, and help expedite the process of getting the girls support through DCFS.
That same week Ann’s Father, Bill, came to pick up Ann. “I want to take you, I love you, but I can’t because your Dad might come back,” Bill gently told Amber. Bill and Ann went back to Illinois, and Grandma C became the relative foster care placement for Amber.
Grandma C’s heart surgery could not be postponed any longer, so Amber was sent to a respite home. The first home lasted only a week. The family were practicing Jehovah’s witnesses. Although different than her experience at Ryan’s, she asked her caseworker to move her asap. The second respite home was with a woman who ran a daycare out of her house. She required Amber to help with the daycare when she got home from school. “Sometimes she would just leave me there to handle it all on my own.” After about a month Amber was finally able to return to Grandma’s C’s.
Amber, now 14 years old, learned how to care for Grandma’s wounds and helped her recover from heart surgery; they were settling into a steady routine together. One day when Amber got home from school Grandma C told her some unexpected news. The DCFS worker found Amber’s father, Michael, and she was going to have a visit with him that evening. “I didn’t really know what to think. I just remember thinking, well, I need to walk my cat first.” Amber had two cats at Grandma’s. One of them, Gabby, acted more like a dog, she even walked it on a leash.
“Don’t feel badly if you don’t remember him, or if he doesn’t recognize you,” the DCFS worker said as she led Amber into a room full of toys, which Amber found silly for her age. She saw a man in a hat and instantly knew that was him. “It’s a feeling I can’t describe. You just know when your parent is there, you just know who they are.” Amber walked up to him and knocked his hat off his head. He laughed, “Hi Ber Ber,” he said through a big smile as they embraced. “I was so happy, it was good to hear him call me that. It was always that or Pumpkin when I was little.” After visiting every day for one week, Michael took Amber back to Illinois and DCFS closed the case.
Amber was just settling in and adjusting to living with her Dad when he announced that he was getting back together with her Mom. Almost immediately, things unraveled. Mary fought with their landlord causing them to be kicked out, and landing them in the nearest motel. Amber was now 16 years old and started waitressing at a nearby restaurant. One night, just before finishing her shift, her dad texted her, “sorry, I don’t have any money. I’m not coming home.” When Amber got back to the motel, her Mother was passed out and unable to be roused. Amber took her tip money to the front desk and begged them to let her stay another night. They agreed, even though she didn’t have enough to cover the cost. Mary was supposed to pick up Amber from school the next day, but never showed up and Amber had no idea where she went. She stayed with friends for a few weeks, but they couldn’t continue to care for her, so they dropped her at a nearby hospital. The hospital called child protective services (CPS).
48 hours later, Mary arrived at the hospital, enraged that CPS had been contacted. She took Amber to a man’s house in Chicago, where she had been staying. “No, it’s me or her,” the man said to Mary. The next morning Mary and Amber left his home. Mary, still drunk, crashed her car through a fence, nearly hitting a house. Amber, terrified, ran to a nearby Chinese restaurant where she called an old therapist. “I wish I could remember her name; she was a life saver!” The police came and Amber led them to the crash site.
“You little b*tch! I got a DUI because of you. You need to go find my car!” was Mary’s response when she awoke in the hospital. Amber went outside and again called her therapist. It seemed like only 30 minutes passed before Amber was approached by a man and a women holding a clipboard in the hospital parking lot. Amber knew what was happening; these were CPS workers. After the workers spoke to Mary privately, they told Amber that her mom needed help and that they had a safe place for her to stay. They went through a McDonald’s drive-thru and then dropped her off at a group home, hours from anything she knew. All of her belongings were still in Mary’s car; she would never get them back.
The group home was awful. The kids had to earn everything, including the basic necessities. They were homeschooled, but the work was 8th grade level and Amber was supposed to be a Junior in High School. Within a few weeks, Amber and three other girls planned an escape. After night checks, and with $5 in her pocket, the girls snuck out of a window and ran to a gas station. They hitchhiked for days, eventually hiding in the basement of one of the girl’s friend’s home. They all tried to disguise themselves by cutting or coloring their hair like they saw in movies. One of the girls went to her biological family, another left with an older man and never came back, leaving just Amber and one other girl who was pregnant.
The police eventually caught them both. Amber was arrested for elopement and placed in juvenile detention. On her first day, she was placed in solitary confinement, where she remained for nearly two weeks. “It was a small room with just a cold bench and a glass window. You lose all sense of time in there. I didn’t even know what rules I had broken.”
While incarcerated, DCFS found Amber’s parents. A service plan was created for both of them to work on their challenges and have Amber returned to their care. Neither of them showed up to a single visit or court hearing. At 17 years old, the court changed Amber’s goal to independence.
The girls slept most of the drive back to Maryland. A few days later, a man and woman from the Department of Children and Family Services (DCFS) came to the house. Grandma C knew that she wasn’t in a position to care for both girls. She already had a double mastectomy, one eye removed, and was in need of heart surgery. Amber later realized that is why Grandma C asked Mary to write the letter. She wanted to ensure Mary wouldn’t accuse her of kidnapping, and help expedite the process of getting the girls support through DCFS.
That same week Ann’s Father, Bill, came to pick up Ann. “I want to take you, I love you, but I can’t because your Dad might come back,” Bill gently told Amber. Bill and Ann went back to Illinois, and Grandma C became the relative foster care placement for Amber.
Grandma C’s heart surgery could not be postponed any longer, so Amber was sent to a respite home. The first home lasted only a week. The family were practicing Jehovah’s witnesses. Although different than her experience at Ryan’s, she asked her caseworker to move her asap. The second respite home was with a woman who ran a daycare out of her house. She required Amber to help with the daycare when she got home from school. “Sometimes she would just leave me there to handle it all on my own.” After about a month Amber was finally able to return to Grandma’s C’s.
Amber, now 14 years old, learned how to care for Grandma’s wounds and helped her recover from heart surgery; they were settling into a steady routine together. One day when Amber got home from school Grandma C told her some unexpected news. The DCFS worker found Amber’s father, Michael, and she was going to have a visit with him that evening. “I didn’t really know what to think. I just remember thinking, well, I need to walk my cat first.” Amber had two cats at Grandma’s. One of them, Gabby, acted more like a dog, she even walked it on a leash.
“Don’t feel badly if you don’t remember him, or if he doesn’t recognize you,” the DCFS worker said as she led Amber into a room full of toys, which Amber found silly for her age. She saw a man in a hat and instantly knew that was him. “It’s a feeling I can’t describe. You just know when your parent is there, you just know who they are.” Amber walked up to him and knocked his hat off his head. He laughed, “Hi Ber Ber,” he said through a big smile as they embraced. “I was so happy, it was good to hear him call me that. It was always that or Pumpkin when I was little.” After visiting every day for one week, Michael took Amber back to Illinois and DCFS closed the case.
Amber was just settling in and adjusting to living with her Dad when he announced that he was getting back together with her Mom. Almost immediately, things unraveled. Mary fought with their landlord causing them to be kicked out, and landing them in the nearest motel. Amber was now 16 years old and started waitressing at a nearby restaurant. One night, just before finishing her shift, her dad texted her, “sorry, I don’t have any money. I’m not coming home.” When Amber got back to the motel, her Mother was passed out and unable to be roused. Amber took her tip money to the front desk and begged them to let her stay another night. They agreed, even though she didn’t have enough to cover the cost. Mary was supposed to pick up Amber from school the next day, but never showed up and Amber had no idea where she went. She stayed with friends for a few weeks, but they couldn’t continue to care for her, so they dropped her at a nearby hospital. The hospital called child protective services (CPS).
48 hours later, Mary arrived at the hospital, enraged that CPS had been contacted. She took Amber to a man’s house in Chicago, where she had been staying. “No, it’s me or her,” the man said to Mary. The next morning Mary and Amber left his home. Mary, still drunk, crashed her car through a fence, nearly hitting a house. Amber, terrified, ran to a nearby Chinese restaurant where she called an old therapist. “I wish I could remember her name; she was a life saver!” The police came and Amber led them to the crash site.
“You little b*tch! I got a DUI because of you. You need to go find my car!” was Mary’s response when she awoke in the hospital. Amber went outside and again called her therapist. It seemed like only 30 minutes passed before Amber was approached by a man and a women holding a clipboard in the hospital parking lot. Amber knew what was happening; these were CPS workers. After the workers spoke to Mary privately, they told Amber that her mom needed help and that they had a safe place for her to stay. They went through a McDonald’s drive-thru and then dropped her off at a group home, hours from anything she knew. All of her belongings were still in Mary’s car; she would never get them back.
The group home was awful. The kids had to earn everything, including the basic necessities. They were homeschooled, but the work was 8th grade level and Amber was supposed to be a Junior in High School. Within a few weeks, Amber and three other girls planned an escape. After night checks, and with $5 in her pocket, the girls snuck out of a window and ran to a gas station. They hitchhiked for days, eventually hiding in the basement of one of the girl’s friend’s home. They all tried to disguise themselves by cutting or coloring their hair like they saw in movies. One of the girls went to her biological family, another left with an older man and never came back, leaving just Amber and one other girl who was pregnant.
The police eventually caught them both. Amber was arrested for elopement and placed in juvenile detention. On her first day, she was placed in solitary confinement, where she remained for nearly two weeks. “It was a small room with just a cold bench and a glass window. You lose all sense of time in there. I didn’t even know what rules I had broken.”
While incarcerated, DCFS found Amber’s parents. A service plan was created for both of them to work on their challenges and have Amber returned to their care. Neither of them showed up to a single visit or court hearing. At 17 years old, the court changed Amber’s goal to independence.
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*Except for Amber, all names have been changed to protect privacy.
